Do-doo-doo-do-do
Billy Dilley, we're subterranean
Billy Dilley, you're such a brainy kid
Billy Dilley, it's fascinating how
Billy Dilley, it's complicated now
Billy Dilley, situation critical
Billy Dilley, I hope it's fixable
Billy Dilley Oh oh-oh-oh-oh ooooh
Billy Dilley
(HORNETS BUZZING)
(YELLS)
(PANTS) Eh? Oh! Bon voyage!
- (BUBBLING) - (BUZZING)
(YELLS)
JUDY: Hey, are you okay?
BILLY: Oh, yeah.
Thanks for that. Wow! You sure are an interesting species.
My name is... (SNEEZES) ...Billy Dilley.
- Hi. I'm Judy. - Here, let me take care of that.
It's silly, really. I was attempting to study some hornets
but I couldn't get close enough so... (GASPS)
Root paws! And the perfect circumference, too!
Is that a subterranean roly-poly?
- I love roly-polies. - Me too.
Judy, you're not only interesting, you're fascinating-ing.
Gee, no one's ever said that about me before.
I think you're fascinating, too.
Heh, well, I better get home before dark. Hey, Judy, mind if I come back tomorrow?
I'd love to put your root paws under my microscope.
- (SQUEALS) Okay. - Hey, Judy,
I think I'm seeing something special in you that I didn't notice before.
- You are? - Yes. An earthworm! (CHUCKLES)
She looks like a Lisa to me.
There you go, girl. Isn't she fascinating?
More fascinating than anything else you saw today?
Oh, yes, much more fascinating.
- Oh... - BILLY: A peat moss!
- What? - For Lisa.
If only I could bring her some peat moss, that would show her how much I care.
But I don't think there's any peat moss in this entire subterranean wilderness.
Oh, it exists, but it's very dangerous to get to.
Where? Where? Where? I'll do whatever it takes,
I'll do anything for Lisa.
(YELLS)
(YELLING) That's hot! (GRUNTS)
Huh? (YELLING)
Peat moss!
Fascinating. (SIGHS)
There's nothing more rewarding Than providing peat moss
For the one who you like the most Chika chika chika
(YELLS) No!
Lisa! Huh?
Wow!
Rainbows, cupcakes Gumdrops, cornflakes
Sprinkles raining down from above
- When you're in love - You're in love
All the stars shine brighter in the night
- When you're in love - You're in love
And every little thing feels right When you're in love...
(CRASHES)
MARSHA: What's the occasion, Billy?
Let's just say I'm bringing someone a little special to dinner tonight.
Wait a minute, you guys are an absolute mess!
Hey, Marsha, what do you call this... this cowlick?
That's a hair bow.
And Zeke, what do you think you're doing with this T-shirt, mister?
Tuck it in.
Look lively, people! There she is.
Uh, guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special.
Zeke, Marsha, this is Lisa.
Well, let's not let dinner get cold.
There you are, a plate of nutrient-rich soil,
just the way Lisa likes it.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Yes?
- Hey, Billy. - Judy, thank you so much.
- Your advice worked like a charm. - What are you talking about?
Yeah, with Lisa, and she loved the peat moss.
Who are you talking to? Oh! Hello!
- Hi. Come on in, new person. - JUDY: Thanks, I'm Judy.
How did you and Billy meet each other?
Well, yesterday Billy was thrashing around helplessly
in my swamp, so I pulled him to safety.
- Well, isn't that interesting? - Not really.
Judy, I just bet that you'd look even cuter with your hair off your face.
- (SIGHS) May I? - Ooh, sure.
Orange is definitely your color.
- That makes you an autumn. - Oh! Well, what are you?
Me? I'm totally a winter.
Well, since you're a winter, Marsha, here's a winter waterlily.
(GASPS) Look at me, I'm a forest nymph!
- (LAUGHS) - (JUDY LAUGHS)
BILLY: (YELLING) Bo...
(YELLING CONTINUES)
...oring!
And, might I say, more than a little rude.
After all, are we not gathered here tonight
in order to pay tribute to the wonder that is Lisa?
Uh, yeah. So, Lisa...
uh, why does the early bird always get the worm?
(GASPS) Zeke, I can't believe, you went there!
You know what? Dinner is over!
Unbelievable! I had this all set up
for a really cool dinner, but you did what you did, so...
(MUNCHING)
BILLY: There, there, Lisa. I know you're upset!
I'll mist you till you fall asleep.
I'll do anything for you, Lisa, anything.
(YELLS, WHIMPERS)
(SCREAMING)
- (SCREAMS) - (SIZZLES)
Hi, Billy.
- Ah, hey, Judy. - Oh, Billy, you don't look so good.
Psst, I've never felt better in my whole life.
Yeah, it just seems like someone's got you running yourself ragged lately.
Sure, Lisa makes me happy.
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
- As long as you're happy. - I am happy!
Hey, Lisa! I am so tired.
I brought you some of that peat moss you like.
Lisa? (GASPS) She's gone!
No, no, no, no, no! She's gone! Oh! (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS) - (GROANS) Judy, this is all your fault!
If I hadn't met you that day, then I wouldn't have met Lisa,
and then she wouldn't have left me in the middle of the night,
without so much as a goodbye!
- You're bananas. - Banana?
In fact, I'd say you're even more bananas than a gigantopithicus.
(GRUNTS, YELLING)
(BELLOWS, YELPS)
And you know what else, Billy Dilley? You're a terrible friend!
So... Billy. Hey, buddy.
(SIGHS)
- Billy, did you close these shades again? - (HISSES)
Hey guys, I was looking at this hole...
(SIGHS) Let me guess, it's just like the hole
where your heart used to be before your worm left.
How did you know?
Because you've been saying it over and over again for three days.
- Now hand over this stupid box! - Never!
It's all I have left of her!
I'll never let it go.
Huh? Holy hornets!
Wowzers! And she's about to lay eggs.
- I'd better take a closer look! Whoa! - (BUZZING)
- (GASPS) - BILLY: Wait!
That's not a closer look! (EXCLAIMS)
- (GROANS) - (GROANS) Judy?
- Uh... eh... - Yes, Billy?
Uh... I see you have a new water vine coming in.
Oh... (CHUCKLES) ...yeah, it's more of a weed, really.
I disagree, I think it could be your longest one yet.
I should get going, Billy. I'm meeting Marsha.
Want to check for roly-polies? As I recall, they're your favorites.
Well... maybe just one!
- I think I got something. - This is so exciting.
Here it comes! (WHIMPERS, GASPS) Lisa!
(CHUCKLES) Lisa, you remember Judy, don't you?
Judy, you remember... (CHUCKLES) ...Lisa?
(SIGHS)
Have a great life, Lisa. Judy, wait!
Sorry, Lisa! Hey, Judy. Mind if I join you and Marsha?
Actually, Billy, it's girls only.
(BLOWS A RASPBERRY) Women. Puzzles wrapped in a conundrum,
sprinkled with mystery.
Oh, well, safety goggles on!
(GRUNTS) And now, back to my studies.
Wait, what's this? "Happy studying. Judy"? What a pal!
- (JUDY GIGGLING) - MARSHA: (GIGGLING) I don't know, Judy!
JUDY: Trust me, Marsha. Ta-da!
- How do I look? - Honestly, Marsha? Terrible!
- (BOTH LAUGH) - (GASPS)
Rainbows, cupcakes Gumdrops, cornflakes
(EXCLAIMS)
Sprinkles raining down from above
(BOTH LAUGH)
- When you're in love - You're in love
All the stars shine brighter in the night
- When you're in love - You're in love
BILLY: The mighty volcano, one of Earth's most awesome
and powerful geologic features.
MR. WHATZIT: Volcanoes are a blast!
What do you say we harness its fearsome power, Mr. Whatzit?
- (WINDING) - MR. WHATZIT: Heisenberg's
uncertainty principle.
No quantum physics, Mr. Whatzit. Today it's all about chemistry.
Just a little bit of this, a little bit of that, ooh!
And exactly one smidgen... of the other.
Steady...
Quickly, Mr. Whatzit! The containment device!
I got it.
I shall now inflate this small balloon using the power of chemistry!
(FIZZLES)
(SIGHS)
I always bomb at chemistry.
- (EXPLOSION) - Whoa!
Fascinating.
Let's roll!
HAGWITCH: You nitwit, look at what you've done here!
- By Franz Boas' bowtie! It's a dwelling! - (WOLF HOWLING)
Tony, where did you learn to combine ingredients?
You've absolutely ruined the mixture!
I can't believe I have such a bumbling little crust
like you in my employ.
BILLY: Ah! It's some sort of down-on-her-luck chemist!
Wait, wait, you are no longer in my employ!
Oh, Miss Hagwitch, ma'am.
Tony is vewy sowy for his oopsie.
You, get there.
Some days are good Some days are bad
Some days are both That's what makes it a normal day
So when you...
(TONY SCREAMING)
Some days are good
Where am I gonna find another apprentice now?
Whee! My name is Billy Dilley. I'll be your new apprentice!
Hmm.
All right, listen, kid, I'm on a tight schedule here.
A potion that I've been working on has to be ready tonight,
when the magma tides run high and passion runs hot!
(SIGHS) Look, kid, Hagwitch needs a sweetheart
and time's running out, so tick tock!
This potion expires the moment the magma stops flowing.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
This is just a try-out.
If you do a good job today, you can be my apprentice.
And what if I do a bad job?
Then you'll get the Tony treatment.
Some days are good Some days are bad
All I need you to do is stir the cauldron.
- Roger that! - (SHUSHING LOUDLY)
You must remain completely silent during the incantation.
Not a peep.
Get stirring.
(SLUSHING)
Hozzie wozzie, bing bang boom! Mumblety, mumblety, shish kafroom!
Frunksen bunsen, beaker and flash!
- Rise, rise... - (BLOWING WHISTLE)
- (KAZOO BUZZING) - What the...
I said not a peep!
Don't you know a peep from a kazoo? Hag... mama?
I like music when I work, too. (CHUCKLES)
That's nice! I like to yell when I'm firing imbeciles!
Firing?
I know... I know. The Tony treatment.
Some days are good Some days are bad
Some days...
- Wait, wait! - Miss Hag, did you have a change of heart?
No, I just didn't want you touching the hat.
Okay, well, say hi to Count Wretcher for me.
- Yeah, wait, what? - Your locket.
- It's Count Wretcher. - You know Count Wretcher?
Oh, yeah, we're great friends.
Like "drop by unannounced with friends," friends?
Sure. We're even "spy on him through his kitchen window
kind of friends," friends.
Just sit tight for a hot minute.
Ooh, having the kid get me into Wretcher's place
would be a lot easier than the other way
I was planning to give him my love potion. (LAUGHS CUNNINGLY)
Let's get cracking, Apprentice Billy!
(GASPS) You're not gonna regret this! Oh!
Hey, not bad, kid. Maybe there's hope for you yet.
(SNIFFS) It's perfect!
(CHEERING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Do I have to do everything around here myself?
Oh, Billy Dilley.
I thought you might be that... Hagwitch!
- What are you doing here? - You two know each other?
- Long time no see, Schmoopies! - Don't call me that ever!
- I thought I told... - FEMALE VOICE: Raymond!
Yes, Mother?
FEMALE VOICE: Stop being such a callous and rude host to our guests.
Let them in!
- Welcome to Castle Wretcher. - I love the warm and inviting decor.
FEMALE VOICE: Raymond, aren't you going to offer our guests
any refreshments?
Oh, yes! We're parched and would love some drinks.
(SIGHS) Fine, fine.
Thurston, fetch everyone a round of beverages.
- (WOLF HOWLING) - Your langria fruit punch, Master.
Freshly squeezed in your personalized goblet, my liege.
And one for the ginger cherub.
Enjoy, Hag.
I'll just distract him, then slip the potion into his drink.
Ooh, your sludgeyard
is looking especially noxious today, Count!
Oh, thank you for noticing. The secret to a successful sludgefield
is making sure you refill it daily, yes, daily,
and make sure the surface stays free of any foreign objects that might have...
(SIGHS) What the blasted... Butterflies!
I thought I told you to stay out!
Now's my chance!
Come out where I can see you! Coward!
- (SCREAMS, GRUNTS) - (CRASHES)
- As your apprentice, allow me, Miss Hag. - Well...
- BILLY: I'm on it! - What the...
Hey! What's this potion for, anyways?
Chemistry.
- Fascinating! - (COUNT GRUNTS) Confounded butterflies!
I guess the little nuisance figured out who he was messing with!
(INHALES, EXHALES) To your health. (GULPING)
HAGWITCH: The moment is upon us. The magma runs hot.
The potion is potent and the pigeon is ready to be plucked.
How are you feeling, Count?
Do you like what you see?
(SPITS) Not in the least.
- How about now? - Absolutely not.
You're the most irritating, insipid, bungling, blundering,
petulant, petty, woeful, windy walrus of a woman
I've ever been forced to be in the company of! (GASPS)
Do you want me to be more specific?
I can be more specific! I think she's very nice,
interesting, has good penmanship,
and is... enchanting.
Are you okay, Billy? You're looking at me awful weird...
Wait a minute. This isn't my personalized goblet!
But, if you aren't drinking out of your goblet, then who...
If this is wrong I don't wanna be right
- Billy? - If love is blind
Then I most certainly Don't have sight
(BOTH GRUNT)
What has gotten into you, Billy?
I should have known you were gonna mess up the potion.
Potion?
Baby, baby, oh! I feel so caliente!
COUNT: Wait a minute.
You mean you drank a love potion meant for me,
and now you've actually fallen for this revolting monstrosity?
- (LAUGHS CUNNINGLY) - (GASPS)
You, sir, have insulted the honor of my one true...
Hold it! Thurston!
Yes, Master.
(YELPS)
Thank you, Master.
- What else you bumbling idiots got? - He's right! Plan A is a bust!
I have no choice but to resort to Plan B!
- (CUNNINGLY LAUGHING) - Brute force!
- Oh, you're a crazy person! - Count, I need you!
BILLY: And I need you!
(CACKLING) You can run, but you can't hide!
How do I shake these imbeciles? Thurston, we've got a big problem!
(YELLS) Swap clothes with me!
You know how you love to wear epaulettes!
(EXCLAIMS) I'll take all your dinners with Mother for a month!
(SOBBING) Help me, you nincompoop!
- Make a break for it. I'll hold her off. - (EXCLAIMS)
Oh, Schmoopies!
(BOTH GASP)
- Here I... Huh? - BILLY: Fine love!
Don't fight your feelings. (GRUNTS)
- (PANTS) - Aah!
Now you're mine! Mwah, mwah!
- No! - Yes!
Billy!
Thurston! Help me, you dumb dumb! (GRUNTS)
- (BURPS) - (POPS)
Funny, I had a strange and unsettling dream
that I was head over heels for you. Isn't that interesting?
Some days are good Some days are...
(GURGLES)
So... what time should I show up tomorrow?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I said You got the wrong number
For the right guy
I'll do the job for you
Just pay the price
Run, run, run away
Baby, stick to the plan! Whoo, whoo!
Run, run, run away
Catch me if you can